Finding Authentic Masculinity: A Conversation with Josh Tomeoni

In our latest episode of The No Half Cakes podcast, I had the privilege of sitting down with Josh Tomeoni, author of The Derelict: Fight, Fail, Find Manhood, for what turned out to be an incredibly raw and honest conversation about masculinity, addiction, and the journey to authentic self-love.

What made this episode particularly special was that it was actually our second attempt at recording—a perfect metaphor for one of Josh’s core philosophies: version 2.0 is always better than the first. As Josh shared, he’s someone who learns things the hard way, and through those experiences, he’s discovered profound truths about what it means to be a man in today’s society.

The Hidden Face of Addiction

One of the most powerful moments in our conversation came when Josh redefined addiction in surprisingly simple terms: “Addiction is simply trying to escape the present moment.” While we often think of addiction as drugs or alcohol, Josh pointed out the more insidious forms that plague modern men—workaholism, excessive exercise, and endless social media scrolling.

“Most guys don’t talk about this, especially online,” Josh explained. “It’s like, ‘No, no, no. Just go for a run.’ Well, okay. I mean, that might help to clear your head so that you can do this process, but I never hear part two.”

The Validation Trap

Josh opened up about his own struggles with validation addiction, something he considers his number one challenge throughout life. His insight was profound: validation becomes dangerous when you need it to know who you are. The goal, he suggests, is to find complete validation from within yourself and your higher power—not from external sources.

This is particularly relevant in an age where social media algorithms feed us exactly what we’ve trained them to show us. Josh shared practical advice about controlling your algorithm rather than letting it control you, emphasizing that what you see on social media is a direct result of what you’ve engaged with.

Building Your Tribe

Drawing from Harvard research, Josh discussed how 80-90% of our success correlates directly to the five people who influence us most. But here’s the key distinction: it’s not about the five people who surround you most—it’s about who influences you most.

For men struggling to find their tribe, Josh offered encouragement and practical advice. Start with meaningful conversations at your kids’ sports games. Skip the small talk about weather and schedules. Ask intentional questions that matter. As Josh shared through his own story of connecting with another dad at his daughter’s soccer practice, most people are craving these deeper connections—they’re just waiting for someone else to make the first move.

The Crisis of Middle Age

Perhaps most sobering was our discussion about men aged 35-50 having the highest suicide rates. These are men who’ve achieved external success but find themselves asking, “Is this really my life?” Josh’s message is clear: curiosity and self-love, not shame, are the keys to navigating these dark moments.

Josh Tomeoni’s journey from failure to authenticity offers hope for men struggling to find their place in a world that often tells them to “man up” without teaching them what that really means. His book, The Derelict: Fight, Fail, Find Manhood, serves as a workbook for men seeking to become more authentically masculine versions of themselves.

You can connect with Josh on Instagram @JoshTheDerelict, where he personally responds to all messages.